I wrote this for a another site two years ago. As I have been peeling apples again today I thought I would give it an airing even although Apple Day is two weeks away.
This is the only apple tree we have - the photo is from 2006. This year after two years drastic pruning it has more apples it seems. There must be thousands of the red and rosy things.
I've tried kicking them under the hedge. I don't even mind if the rabbits and squirrels chew their way through a dozen. Blackbirds are allowed to peck away to their heart's content. We let them get on with it.
This year I have been banned from making apple chutney as we've only just finished the lot from last year.
I have a crate full in the garage and even a private store in my office.
I feed them to the horses and give bags and bags away. I eat at least an apple a day, not to mentioned stewed apples or the effect they have. Just let's say that when I'm on the golf course my partners stay upwind of me.
Then of course there are apple dumplings, baked apple, fritters, apple cake, crumble and charlotte. Then there are those mixed with rhubarb, blackberries, gooseberries, josterberries - not all at the same time. We've even considered apple and beetroot crumble but balked at the thought of that.
Apples go in red cabbage, stuffed mushrooms and all kinds of stews and casseroles. Pork, bacon and ham joints all have had their share.
We've given cider and apple juice a miss and apparently I'm too old for toffee apples. Now that's a shame.
I haven't had time to enter the longest peel competition; I decided apple and spoon races, and pin the maggott on the apple are not for me. I'm too bashful to try the apple shy.
I ask you, with a name like mine what chance would I have at apple bobbing - I'd sooner be in the pub with a pint of scrumpy made from someone else's apples.